Why do we say, 'I'm fine', when we know we're not?

Why do we say, 'I'm fine', when we know we're not?


I have to admit that I'm just as guilty of doing this as the next person :~/


My favourite response to 'how are you today?', is ''Same old, same old", normally said in a fake-funny way, that immediately dismisses the subject, which then saves the asker the embarrassment of actually having to listen to the truth!


I do this, mainly because I was getting totally fed up with saying, 'oh well, you know, not so bad today', while watching that veil of boredom come down over the listener's face or, worse, the curl of the lip that spoke of either disgust with me, or disbelief of my pain!


I don't know whether it's the old British 'stiff upper lip' or, as I really think of it, 'the fear of opening up to other people, and then being rejected' but, whatever it's called, I always feel so guilty if I actually tell anyone exactly what my life is like - I guess that's why I decided to write about it on this blog!


I called my blog 'Ouch' Potato, as a play on the phrase, Couch Potato, with 'ouch', instead of couch, because that's what my life is like - one of chronic pain all over my body, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, which means that I'm virtually bed-bound for the majority of the time, (and 'bed' potato, just doesn't have the same ring, does it?).


The only time I'm out of bed, is when hubby is helping me to get myself between the bedroom and bathroom, or when I'm forcing myself to walk back and forth between the bedroom and kitchen, weight full on my elbow crutches,  (and hubby hovering in case I collapse, as my legs have a tendency to do at the most unexpected of times) because I'm in so much pain, my body needs to move around, despite the added pain of movement!


Have you ever had that? Pain so intense it makes your body fidget and jingle, as if you're plugged into an electric socket? That's how I feel most of the time. Trouble is, as soon as I put any weight onto my feet, I'm in even worse agony, as it then feels as if I'm walking across broken glass in bare feet - see? I can't win, whatever I do :~/ 


But it's actually amazing as to how much pain a body can learn how to bear, and still put on that brave face when a rare visitor comes.


As soon as there's a knock at the door, I quickly rub my face, hard enough that there's some colour there instead of the usual greyness induced by pain, then I hastily make sure I'm looking not too grungy, and then I plaster on the fake 'I'm well' smile that I've perfected over the years.


When the visitor comes in, I put on my bright and welcoming voice, as if I've just been disturbed while being terribly busy with something or other, and then I chirpily give my stock answer to the stock question - and the second I do, I know that, once again, I've lost that chance of saying exactly how I do really feel, which then makes me feel guilty, as if my illness and pain are something I've brought on to myself, instead of something happening because  of genetic problems I was born with :(


I guess the real problem with all this, is that, over the years, because of the gradual sinking into such poor health, my circle of friends and acquaintances has shrunk from a few hundred, to a handful of people, and so the few hardier types who still brave this den of illness, are ones I don't wish to frighten away with my tales of woe :~( 


That good old 'Catch 22' situation that all of those, in the same position as myself, find themselves in!


My illness and disability has been something that, at first, just crept slowly into my life. At 32 I was at my peak of fitness, working six days a week and, on my one day off a week, which was always a Monday, working side by side with my hubby, who was a tree feller/surgeon at the time. But then it was discovered that I had cancer of the cervix, and so I had to have a hysterectomy which, thankfully, solved the problem!


What I didn't know at the time, was that the anaesthetic given to me, had triggered something that would affect me for the rest of my life! 


Year by year, month by month, and then week by week, my health began to become worse, and things got harder and harder for me to do, with pain levels growing harder to cope with. I started off having to use a cane to walk with, as my legs began to give way at the most unexpected of times and then, as time went on, I needed 2 canes to walk.


When I had finally given in, and went to see my doctor, he told me it was all in my head, and so I went away again, and battled the pain until, once again, it got too unbearable to live with, and the over-the-counter painkillers were just hopeless. So I saw my doctor again and, with a sigh, he prescribed me paracetamol, and told me that he'd get some blood tests done.


I think that's when my real problems started, as nothing actually showed up in my blood at that time. I don't know what tests he did, as he didn't tell me, but all I got when I phoned up for the results, was that they had all come back clear, and there was no need to see my doctor.


And so I went on again for months, desperately pushing myself to keep on with all the things I used to do, until, once again, it became unbearable for me. So I saw my doctor and, once again, he sighed at me, and told me it was all in my head as, 'don't forget, all your blood tests came back negative!'


That last time, I went home again and, the minute I closed the door, I broke down in tears, only to find that a couple we'd known for years were in the living room. But that turned out to be a good thing as, because they asked me at a time when I really needed to tell someone how I felt, I was totally honest with them!


The first thing they suggested to me, after learning that I had been told it was all in my head for 5 years, was to change my surgery, and see their own doctors. I knew by then that I had nothing to lose so, a few days later, after I'd managed to recover some of my strength from that first trip into town, I went to the other surgery, and signed on with them, which was the best thing I've ever done, I think!


Within a month, I had an appointment with a Rheumatologist and, a few weeks later, it was confirmed that I had both Arthritis and Fibromyalgia - it's no wonder I had so much pain in both joints and muscles! I told my consultant about the negative blood tests, and asked why the arthritis hadn't shown up in them, and he told me then, that there are many types of arthritis, and only half of them will show up in the blood! He also told me that, because I'd been pushing myself for so long, my fibro was worse than it might have been, and if I had been to see him when it had first started to develop, it might not have got as bad as it now was!


Thank you doctor! Grrrr


Anyway, as time went on, I developed IBS, and then Lymphodaema in my leg, which had me bed-bound for some months, and meant that my hubby had to give up work to take care of me. Then, just as I was starting to get about again a little, over two years ago, my hubby caught Swine flu at a party I'd persuaded him to go to, which he then brought home to me.


We both went through a few weeks of hell at that time, with hubby being the worst, as I seemed to have got a slightly lighter dose than he, with it coming second-hand, so-to-speak. It took hubby a good 3 months to recover fully but, unfortunately for me, I just couldn't seem to get rid of the sheer exhaustion that it had brought on me. I then went through months and months of pain and tiredness, never shaking it off. For years, I'd actually only been able to sleep for maybe 2-3 hours out of 24, because of the pain I was suffering, but now I was sleeping for 17-20 hours a day, with hubby having to force me awake to eat, drink, wash etc. Even the pain I was in didn't keep me awake!


Month by month went by, with my visitors getting fewer and fewer, as nothing changed in my life, and I guess they all got fed up with me being either asleep, or only half awake, when they visited. By this time, I had only been out of the house 3 times in 2 years - twice to see my new doctor, and once the optician as, by now, I was also getting cluster migraines, and my eyes needed checking first, in case that was the problem - which it wasn't :~/


My doc then ordered a whole barrage of blood tests, and it was then that it was discovered, that I also had Antiphospholipid Syndrome - a blood disorder that could cause thrombosis, and something that my mother's father had died from!


This started a big caffuffle, as my whole family then had to be tested, as it could be passed genetically through the family. Fortunately, I was the only one who seemed to have inherited it and, because of the hysterectomy, I wasn't in as much danger of blood clots as I might have been, which meant I didn't need to be on Warfarin to thin my blood, thank heavens!


With all these different health problems, it was a struggle for my doctor to find the right medication for each thing, that wouldn't affect something else, but we eventually managed to settle down to a course of medicines that at least numbed the pain a little, while keeping all the other symptoms settled to a certain extent - but it has been a constant juggling act with them all. By this time, I was on morphine for the pain but, even though the pain got even  worse over time,  I was afraid to take anything stronger, in case I became immune to the dose I was on, and so I just clenched my teeth to the pain, and went on surviving life bed-bound, in constant pain, and with more and more health problems surfacing.


On my last visit to my doctor, he had ordered some more blood tests, as I'd been having symptoms he felt needed examining closely. When they came back, he immediately made another appointment for me to see my Rheumi consultant and, months later, when I eventually got to see him, I was told that I also now have Lupus and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome!


Oh boy! I'm just so greedy, aren't I?


Not for me just the one thing wrong - oh no!


So, as I am today, I have now been diagnosed with Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, IBS, Lymphodaema, Antiphospholipid Syndrome, Cluster migraines, Lupus, and 
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - and that's without all the other stuff affected, like the dry eyes and mouth, the giddiness, ear-aches, nausea, rashes etc! 


And people wonder why I get fed up with saying 'I'm fine!'